I cannot say I understand all there is to know about Grace, but I have learned that I would not be here if it weren't for God's grace over my life and health. Grace has nothing to do with our deeds or earned worth or proved goodness, it is simply a gift from God. Grace is an 'enabling power sufficient for progression. God's sovereign favour for humankind'. Grace is also defined as 'an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. Without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults humankind cannot overcome'. When God first started talking to me about grace I was all, "Okay God, I appreciate the challenge you've offered to develop and improve upon myself, but I DO NOT need anymore character at this time, thank-ya-very-much! I've been called a character my whole life and I certainly don't need one more issue of health to overcome as a way of expanding my horizons!" But despite my protests and prayers, I did experience another pain to overcome; a hurt so profound it became hard to breath. A hurt God knew was coming.

God knew I would lose my dream of ever getting pregnant. But He also knew I would trust in Him enough to come out on the other side of sickness and thank Him for his gift of grace. He didn't let it happen because He couldn't stop it. He didn't watch me struggle because He didn't want to prevent it. I believe that when they cut into my stomach, they cut into His heart. When my husband held me in his arms, God held us both in His. When I wept, God wept. And when I finally found peace in all that occurred, it was God who removed the chaos of emotions and provided rest for my soul. He did not in any way just sit back and watch me suffer. He let me live. He let me live my human life in my human body and experience human things.

I cannot blame God for letting me be the very thing He created me to be. If I wanted Him to take away every bad thing that could possibly go wrong in my life He would have to take away all the good things too. I would have to hand over my laughter and my grand love for life and my family. I would have to stop trusting in God because I would no longer need to trust in Him. I would no longer need Him. I would no longer need life. Because life, without actually living it, is death. And no one needs faith once they are already dead. I love that God is the kind of friend who believes in me. He trusted in me enough to go into battle and fight, knowing that He was with me the whole time. He knew my strength. He knew my passion. He knew me. He knew me better than I do, which isn't saying much because I admit I change so often I can't even keep up with my ever changing likes and nuances. But God can. I need Him. I need His goodness and His protection and His undeserving grace. I like needing Him. I want to need Him.

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